I’ve used a lot of things on them. The most effective has probably been The Body Shop’s Hemp cream, and really, if it smelled better I’d still use it, but I have to put socks on after I use it, and then my socks smell like a boy’s bathroom in high school (you know the one. Close to the door that goes to the ag building, across from French, hugely popular with the…well. The stoners.) I’ve used Burt’s Bees foot cream but I don’t find it works as well as my mother claims it does.

I have a salt scrub that works semi-well, but needs a boost from something else.

The fact is there probably isn’t a quick-fix for this, my feet are too much of a mess for one thing to work – but I can’t keep myself from trying. So the search continues! Seeking: one lotion that slough the dead skin off my feet and moisturizes the skin without smelling like your boyfriend’s college dorm room.

…I’m doomed to fail.